Red Underwear is Thief’s Downfall
There are a lot of reasons you should be discrete when you rob people. The most important one is that if you are not, then you might get caught red-underweared. Just ask Taykim Ross, whose flashy undies led to his arrest.
The Fashion Police–or, the Events Leading to Arrest
Taykim Ross has been accused of stealing $200, some electronics, and a pair of blue Air Jordans from an apartment. And once he got his hands on those sneakers, he could not wait to get his feet in them.
So instead of getting out of there as fast as he could, he decided to take a break in the backyard to change shoes. I do not know what he was thinking when he did this, but I have to assume that he thought he was in for a high-speed chase and that the only way for him to run fast enough to escape was if he had on more athletic gear. Perhaps he had previously been wearing sandals. Perhaps, even, that is why he grabbed the shoes in the first place.
Really, it is hard to say what he was thinking. All we can really do is say that he should have thought a little more. Or that maybe he should have nabbed a belt while he was creating his new purloined wardrobe. Because his fashion choices ultimately turned out to be his downfall.
You see, the neighbor of the victim happened to be looking outside that day and happened to see Ross changing kicks. So he shot a picture of him. What was clearer than anything else in the shot was Ross’ prominent red boxers hanging out of his jeans.
Red undies and blue shoes? And perhaps he had on a white shirt. Maybe he was just trying to pull together a patriotic outfit. America is the land of the free to dress how you want, after all. However, in this case, Ross should have been worrying a little less about style and a little more about stealth.
Pull Up Your Pants!–or, How He Was Nabbed
Later that day, Officer Russell Harris was returning from a neighborhood canvas when he noticed a young man being responsible and doing household chores. To be more specific, the boy was taking out the trash.
On most days, Harris would not have thought all that much about such an innocent activity, but this time he did. You see, he noticed something about the kid that made him a little suspicious. Something was flashing in his mind making him believe everything was not alright.
Over the top of the kid’s baggy pants, the officer saw a pair of bright-red underwear. Because this happened to be the same color boxers being worn by the possible robber, Harris had to take a closer look.
Upon examining the picture and the person, the officer determined that it was an exact match. And not with just the underwear. The person was a match as well.
After this embarrassing wardrobe malfunction, Ross was arrested and arraigned on a burglary charge.
Harris said that if Ross had been wearing a belt–or presumably had changed boxers after the theft–he probably would have gone unnoticed; however, apparently the red undies acted like a giant target that even the worst dart player could hit.
Ross, maybe it is time for a makeover because your fashion choices are just plain humiliating. You might not ever be able to live this down, my friend. I hope next time you go shopping, whether at a store or in someone else’s house, you make some better decisions. Follow some fashion guidelines; don’t fly by the seat of your pants.
Dress to Impress–or, What You Can Learn from Ross
Here is what you can take away from poor Ross.
- Always wear a belt. Not only will it make sure your pants don’t fall off if you have to make a quick getaway, they will also protect your showy undies from prying neighbors’ eyes.
- Do not stop for a wardrobe change in the middle of a robbery. If you do, you might give the prying neighbor a perfect shot of your thieving behind.
- After a robbery, change. Lady Macbeth scrubbed her hands to get out a red spot of blood that she imagined was there. So, at the very least, you should take the time to rid yourself of the giant red spot that is going to stick out like a clown’s nose and lead to your arrest.
- Just don’t rob people or commit similar crimes. If stupid criminals have taught us anything it is that there is always a newer and dumber way to commit a crime. So to avoid these embarrassing faux pas, let’s all just stop trying to commit stupid crimes. Also, you know, for moral reasons.
For all of my Friends fans out there, this is the story of the real Red Ross.