Oregon Militiamen Ask for Snacks, Get Dildos Instead

We’re not even a full month into the new year yet, but without a doubt the armed Oregon protestors (aka terrorists) occupying a federal wildlife refuge building are poised to go down as the most mocked protest of 2016.

Why?

Well, for several reasons:

1. Their prolonged efforts to force the freedom of two local ranchers convicted of arson are pointless.
2. The federal government clearly has no intention of handing over federal lands to local authorities, per their request.
3. They forgot to bring the one essential thing they’d need to keep their lengthy stand going–food.

The OR militants have updated their wish list. pic.twitter.com/ZmDB3XC4Ag

— JJ MacNab (@jjmacnab) January 9, 2016

After realizing their error, the Oregon militiamen desperately took to social media to beg supporters for snacks. Once they presumably started receiving care packages from sympathizers, the protestors expanded their wish list to include luxuries like shampoo, french vanilla creamer, digital cameras, oven cleaner, and cigarettes.

People responded by sending dildos instead.

Oregon militia member Jon Ritzheimer scolded the sex toy-givers in a Facebook video message, in which he dramatically flung a pile of dicks on the floor.

Ritzheimer wrote,

It’s sad that there are people who would spend this kind of money on this rather than spending it to do good in the world. I’m done living in fear of an oppressing force.

Clearly, this guy can’t take a joke.

But package senders shouldn’t take it too personally, since he’s probably more pissed about the $70,000 a day a judge says he’ll order the group to pay in order to reimburse Harney County for security costs related to the ongoing occupation.

I’m still baffled as to why authorities aren’t being more aggressive in expunging the armed ranchers. However, recent reports claim the standoff could be nearing its end as occupiers prepare to hold a meeting explaining their exit strategy.

Needless to say, if these guys want to preserve what’s left of their dignity and their wallets, they should pack up their protest (and dildos) and head home.

Alexis Evans

Alexis Evans is an Assistant Editor at Law Street and a Buckeye State native. She has a Bachelor’s Degree in Journalism and a minor in Business from Ohio University. Contact Alexis at aevans@LawStreetMedia.com.