It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp: Nikes Don’t Come With Weapon Warnings

Did you know Nike made those glass platform shoes with the fish in them sported by pimps everywhere? That gives a whole new meaning to its logo “Just Do It,” doesn’t it?

Courtesy of abrinsky via Flickr.

OK, OK. Nike might not make shoes exactly like that, but it does make shoes. And some pimps wear them. And one pimp used them to beat up a John for not paying. And that same pimp got sentenced to 100 years in prison. So clearly it is all Nike’s fault.

This story is basically the big pimpin’ version of that poem about the lack of a nail destroying a kingdom:

For want of a warning the shoe was used;

Through use of the shoe a man was abused;

For abuse of the man a pimp was accused;

For accuse of the man, Nike was sued;

And all for a want of a warning.

I actually own some Nikes, though admittedly not as pimped out as Sirgiorgio Clardy‘s (since everything Clardy owns becomes pimped out by nature of his job title), so I can attest to this for all you non-Nike owners: those shoes DO NOT come with a warning saying if you stomp somebody’s face in with them, they might cause damage.

That’s just irresponsible. But maybe it’ll learn its lesson soon because if Clardy gets his way, Nike is going to have to cough up $100 million for lack of foresight.

This all began when a client refused to pay Clardy’s…employee…for services performed, which as everybody who knows anything about anything knows is not the way to gain a pimp’s favor. In a simple lesson on respect and paying your debts, Clardy stomped the man’s face in hard enough that the guy had to have plastic surgery; ‘cause I don’t know what you heard about Clardy, but you can’t steal a dollar outta he; no cash, no pay, you best believe that he’s a Nike-wearin’ p.i.m.p. (And I bet you thought that my poem was gonna be the only remix I created today.)

In court, Clardy was found guilty of wielding a dangerous weapon among other charges and that’s what got him the big sentence. The only problem was Nike never told Clardy that his pimped up kicks were dangerous weapons. If it had, I’m sure we can all agree that he probably would have used a safer method to get payment from the guy. Perhaps a good old fashioned tickle or pillow fight?

Courtesy of Giphy.

Because Nike’s failure to properly warn was clearly the real cause of Clardy being sentenced to 100 years of hard time, it is obvious that it owes the man something. Which brings us to the suit (and it’s an over-the-top, flashy, color-drenched suit complete with a cane and fedora. And of course a pair of shoes that look so good it hurts).

Courtesy of Giphy.

Clardy wrote a three-page complaint asking — no, he’s a pimp, he doesn’t ask, he tells — demanding $100 million from the shoemaker. (And if I were Nike, I might just give it to him. He has a track record of not handling people very well who don’t give him his money, and there I’d be sitting in a warehouse full of dangerous weapons.) Nike must be tougher than me, though, because instead of getting out its wallet, it pimp slapped Clardy with a response calling the suit groundless and denying liability.

Pimpin’ ain’t easy, but I guess filing a lawsuit is. Especially when you’ve got 100 years to kill.

Ashley Shaw

Ashley Shaw is an Alabama native and current New Jersey resident. A graduate of both Kennesaw State University and Thomas Goode Jones School of Law, she spends her free time reading, writing, boxing, horseback riding, playing trivia, flying helicopters, playing sports, and a whole lot else. So maybe she has too much spare time. Contact Ashley at staff@LawStreetMedia.com.