Happy New Year! Welcome to 2015, everyone. It is the time of year that we all make some resolutions that we have no intention of actually keeping. And to help you decide just want you want to resolve to do this coming year, I am going to tell you some of mine. And if you want to avoid the old standards such as losing weight or being a better person, I suggest you take my lead on these.

So, without further ado, here are my 2015 New Year’s resolutions:

1. Don’t be stupid.

When John Doe (since this guy’s name was unreported, I will have to go with the old John Doe pseudonym) was receiving a parking ticket, I guess he got really excited. Who could blame him? Parking tickets are great, right? Anyway, I say this because as he was receiving the ticket, he apparently grabbed it from the officer’s hands really quickly. Too quickly.

Snatching a ticket from an officer is a really stupid thing to do. How do I know this? Well, as Doe was being pushed up against the wall and handcuffed, he asked just what it was he had done to lead to this arrest, and he was told he was being arrested “for being stupid.”

Courtesy of Giphy.

And since I do not want to be arrested, my first New Year’s resolution is to avoid being stupid. Though I fully admit that this is easier said than done.

2. Don’t threaten to kill dinosaurs.

Violence is never the answer. Let’s just be clear about that up front. Which is why writing stories about shooting dinosaurs is just plain wrong. Alex Stone learned this the hard way.

Sixteen-year-old Stone was supposed to write a little bit about himself and a status in the style of a Facebook page. So when the teacher saw that on the page he threatened to shoot his neighbor’s pet dinosaur, she had no choice but to take the threat seriously. After all, this was a nonfiction report, so there was no way this kid could have been making up his desire to kill that dinosaur. And killing pets in youth is the first sign of becoming a sociopath, correct? This was not something to take lightly.

Courtesy of Giphy.

After reading the essay, the teacher immediately reported the incident to the office where the kid was both suspended for a week and arrested for disorderly conduct (though to be fair, the police claim the arrest had nothing to do with the threat to the dinosaur’s life).

Stone is suing. I suppose he just isn’t an animal lover. PETA would not be pleased. And in the manner of many sociopaths, Stone’s mother could not see anything wrong with her son’s conduct. She was quoted as saying something silly along the lines of “we don’t have dinosaurs anymore.”

This story has really opened my eyes to the dinosaur awareness movement. In result, I pledge to not threaten dinosaurs even once in the year 2015.

3. Don’t point bananas at police officers.

Nathan Channing is a funny guy. Or at least he says he is. I’m inclined to think he is right because when I heard his story I did laugh. So basically a cop was driving down the road when Channing decided to take a yellow object out of his pocket, point it in the air, and then point it at the officer. The cop, in fear for his life, called for backup. The backup cop, thinking he was about to be shot, started to pull out his own, non-banana, gun when Channing finally yelled out, “it’s a banana.”

Courtesy of Giphy.

Channing said that he did this because he thought it would be funny and good as a YouTube video. The only problem, other than the whole making police officers think that you have a gun pointed at them, is that Channing did not think to record this future YouTube video. I assume he thought it was going to be acted out later documentary-style a la Drunk History. He claims the reason it wasn’t taped was because this was just the test run; however, he does admit that he now realizes his joke probably wasn’t a really good one.

In honor of Channing’s lately-developed wisdom, I now resolve to not point bananas, or any other gun-looking item, at any law enforcement member.

So there you have it, a complete list of resolutions that I encourage you all to follow. Of course, I’ll probably be doing all of these come mid-January. Especially the dinosaur one. Who can ever keep these resolutions anyway?

Ashley Shaw

Ashley Shaw is an Alabama native and current New Jersey resident. A graduate of both Kennesaw State University and Thomas Goode Jones School of Law, she spends her free time reading, writing, boxing, horseback riding, playing trivia, flying helicopters, playing sports, and a whole lot else. So maybe she has too much spare time. Contact Ashley at staff@LawStreetMedia.com.

The post New Year’s Resolution: Don’t Get Arrested appeared first on Law Street.

Happy New Year! Get ready for a full day of listening to your friends, family, and every D-lister on the morning shows drone on and on about their 2015 resolutions. Diets, new jobs, and all the usual suspects will make the rounds no matter who you talk to, but here are some resolutions celebrities and politicians should be making if they were really being honest with themselves.

Rep. Michael Grimm

Start paying taxes; stop threatening to throw reporters off balconies.

Courtesy of Giphy.com.

Sony Co-Chair Amy Pascal

Leave racially insensitive comments to unfiltered grandparents during the holidays and not in emails to colleagues.

Latest Sony email hack shows Scott Rudin and Amy Pascal making racist jokes about Obama http://t.co/RrNLdhplvR

— NY Daily News Gossip (@NYDNgossip) December 11, 2014

Justin Bieber

Start the Justin Bieber “Center for Kids Who Can’t Give Depositions Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.” Also, avoid Interpol.  

President Obama

Figure out a way to differentiate the Baltimore Ravens roster from the Freaks and Geeks cast.

Courtesy of Giphy.com.

Kim Kardashian

Learn how the internet works; determine whether or not it’s actually “breakable.”

The 10 most popular stories of the year on http://t.co/M1Ru3U4Ixe http://t.co/SQUr0yv8JQ pic.twitter.com/OwzDevBv0Y — PAPER Magazine (@papermagazine) December 31, 2014

Zooey Deschanel

Don’t break any more horses.

Courtesy of Giphy.com.

Sen. Ted Cruz

Stop practicing puppy dog face in mirror. Face is beginning to get stuck that way.

Courtesy of Twitchy.com.

Taylor Swift

Bring back surprised face–people seem to miss it.

Courtesy of Giphy.com.

Shonda Rhimes

Take over ABC, rename Shondaland. Make sure all programming includes strong female lead with some flaws, an emotional kiss scene, and an improbable natural catasrophe.

Courtesy of Giphy.com.

Charlie Crist

Track down promised campaign donation from the United Fan Makers of America.

Hon. John Dingell

Keep being awesome.

Proud Michigan resident & dear friend @grahamdavis got a bulldog today and named it Dingell. I see no similarities. pic.twitter.com/aqKwGwMM9Y

— Rep. John Dingell (@john_dingell) October 19, 2014

Mama June Shannon

Take a break from dating.

Courtesy of Giphy.com.

Former Rep. Trey Radel

Stop throwing stones from glass house.

Ya give him a breathalyzer test every-time he votes…duh http://t.co/lX5ojfqnqu — starchy (@me_starchy) December 31, 2014

What other resolutions do you think they should make? Let us know in the comments.

Chelsey D. Goff

Chelsey D. Goff was formerly Chief People Officer at Law Street. She is a Granite State Native who holds a Master of Public Policy in Urban Policy from the George Washington University. She’s passionate about social justice issues, politics — especially those in First in the Nation New Hampshire — and all things Bravo. Contact Chelsey at staff@LawStreetMedia.com.

The post New Year’s Resolutions Celebs & Politicians Should Make for 2015 appeared first on Law Street.

Folks, the New Year is upon us.

Time to break out your most bedazzled dress, pop the champagne, and party your way into 2015, am I right?

Fuck yeah I am.

But, while New Year’s Eve is a night of epic intoxication, huge crowds, and glittery debauchery (if you’re at the right party), it’s also notorious for being the pre-game to a little thing we all do every New Year’s Day.

Resolution making.

And this is where New Year’s turns into a giant letdown.

Because who really keeps their resolutions? Who really follows through on any of this crap? Hardly any of us. But this year, loves—this year’s going to be different.

Why, you ask? Because we’re not making resolutions that are steeped in the bullshit ways of our racist, sexist, patriarchal culture, setting unreasonable standards for ourselves that we don’t even actually want to fulfill.

Nope.

This year, we’re keeping it simple. We’re keeping it real. We’re going to do this.

So here, my dears, are five totally rad resolutions for a more feminist New Year. Happy 2015!

1. Don’t lose weight.

How many times have you woken up from your New Year’s Eve bender to solemnly swear that THIS YEAR, you’re going to get super healthy and drop all of your excess body fat and become a granite, kale-worshipping tower of flawless muscle tone?

Like, practically every year. Because we’re all constantly barraged by magazines, TV shows, movies, and commercials that feature super thin, Photoshopped millionaires looking unattainable and telling us that we’ll be our happiest selves if we can get our bodies to look the same way.

This year, forget it. Reject all the media bullshit that encourages you to hate your body. Give the middle finger to all the Photoshopped images that you can’t possibly replicate in real life because literally no one looks like that. Fuck all of that noise.

Instead, resolve to love yourself exactly the way you are, right now. Because you’re fucking fabulous, and owning that is a revolutionary act all to itself.

2. Learn to be a better ally.

We’ve seen it time and time again—well-meaning people in positions of privilege who want to support those of us who are on the outside, but who do so kind of terribly.

I’m talking about the white people who wore “I am Trayvon Martin” hoodies in 2013. I’m talking about the #CrimingWhileWhite movement that took over Twitter a few weeks ago. I’m talking about folks who encourage women not to walk alone at night, who chastise fat people while insisting that they’re only concerned about their health, who spend money with abandon and shame peers who can’t or won’t do the same.

If you have racial, gender, sexual, class, body, or any of the other myriad types of privilege you can possess—own it. Investigate it. Question it. Understand that you’re not Trayvon Martin. That you’re not a health or safety expert. That you don’t know the specifics of any person’s situation.

Instead, ask people in the community you’d like to ally with about how you can better support them. And then, resolve to sit down, really listen, and do it.

3. Follow your passion.

What makes you as happy as this panda bear?

Resolve to do more of it.

I’m not talking about the thousand things on your to-do list that you really should do. Put that list down and walk away from it. Tear it up into tiny little pieces and burn it.

Subtract all of the things that you really should do—like learn Spanish, or read more books, or do more sit-ups—until you’re left with the one thing that you are irrationally excited to do. Or the handful of things that you’re stupid happy about doing!

We all have a tendency to spread ourselves too thin—especially in a world that encourages shorter attention spans while claiming that it’s easier than ever to accomplish more.

Fuck all that noise. Every moment that you spend feeling overwhelmed and scatterbrained is a moment that you don’t get to spend fighting the good fight.

So, resolve to give yourself license to have a shitload of fun. Do more of what—or who!—you love.

4. Practice better self-care.

Are you taking care of yourself? Like, really taking care of yourself?

I’m willing to bet that more often than not, the answer to that question is no.

While you’re busy challenging yourself to love your body, become a better ally, and follow your little heart’s true desires, it’s reasonably likely that you aren’t also making time to cook healthy meals or sleep a solid eight hours. Not to mention, leaving space in your schedule to sit quietly with a good book, snuggle with your favorite people, or drink your coffee while strolling through the park.

Here’s the thing—we aren’t encouraged to take care of ourselves. We aren’t taught to stop and really appreciate our lives, ourselves, or the people who love us the most.

Instead, we’re pushed to do more, eat more, buy more, sleep less—because all of that constant energy keeps us distracted, exhausted, and unsatisfied. And who can smash the patriarchy when they’re that frazzled?

No one. So, seriously, resolve to practice better self-care this year. You’ll be amazed at how much more positive change you can affect in the world when you’re grounded and cared for.

5. Let things go.

Finally, folks, let’s just admit it. This world is rough. It’s filled with people and messages that are constantly telling us that we aren’t good enough. And it’s ridiculously easy to internalize all that shit.

Don’t. Resolve to let that fuckery roll right off your back. Because you know what? In a world filled with negativity, inequality, and brutality, it’s a beautiful act of resistance to just be at peace, or even—gasp!—genuinely happy.

So, take a lot of deep breaths and smile, lovelies. You’ve got this.

What do you think, people of the Internet? Can you keep these resolutions in 2015? Do you have some awesome resolution suggestions that I missed? Blow it up in the comments.

And in the meantime, have a happy, healthy, patriarchy-smashing New Year!

Hannah R. Winsten

Hannah R. Winsten is a freelance copywriter, marketing consultant, and blogger living in New York’s sixth borough. She hates tweeting but does it anyway. She aspires to be the next Rachel Maddow. Contact Hannah at staff@LawStreetMedia.com.

The post 5 Resolutions For a More Feminist New Year appeared first on Law Street.