Hey there folks! Are you pumped for tomorrow?

You should be, because it’s HALLOWEEN! Also known as the spookiest and most fun holiday of the year.

Why am I such a big fan of Halloween, you may ask? Considering it’s a super commercialistic, capitalism-run-amok type of holiday, that’s a great question.

And the answer is threefold.

First, I was fairly obsessed with witches growing up—I was very disappointed when, at 16, I didn’t inherit any magical powers a la “Sabrina and the Teenage Witch”—and so I’m a big fan of the holiday’s spooky pagan roots. As the legend goes, Halloween is the day of the year when the veil between the world of the living and the dead is at its thinnest. Call me morbid and weird, but I think that’s pretty cool.

Second—CANDY. Obviously. I’m very excited for gigantic bags of chocolate to go on mega-sale come November 1st. No shame in my game.

And third—costumes! Dressing up as someone who you’re not can be really fun and empowering. Not to mention, this is literally the easiest holiday to pick up that hottie you’ve been eyeing at the bar. Costumes make for bountiful conversation starters. Go forth and get laid, dear readers!

This is obviously the best way to do that.

So, on the subject of costumes—we’ve seen some real doozies the past few years. We’re looking at you, 2013 Julianne Hough. And I’m here to make sure that you don’t make the same mistakes.

So, if you want to have an awesome time this Halloween while simultaneously not offending people or repelling that barroom hottie, here are five things NOT to do.

 1.) Don’t make a joke about anyone’s death.

Courtesy of Brandsonsale.com.

Last year, the joke was on Trayvon Martin. This year, it’s this dumbass hazmat costume—which, come on people—genuinely doesn’t even make sense. Your whole body is exposed. This costume protects no one from infectious disease.

Anyway! Trayvon Martin isn’t a joke, he’s a kid who met a violent and unjust death. And Ebola victims are also not jokes. They’re real people with families and lives, who are suffering and dying as a result of a terrible disease.

So please, when choosing your costume, pick one that’s not poking fun at any kind of situation where people are dying.

Unless you’re dressing up as a zombie, in which case, carry on.

2.) Don’t wear blackface.

For the love of God, please, oh please, do not wear blackface. DO NOT DO IT. No matter how good of an idea it seems to be, no matter how tempted you are.

Julianne Hough’s costume as Crazy Eyes from OITNB caused quite an uproar. Why? Because she was dressed in blackface pic.twitter.com/LNIxdplR7P

— Black Student Union (@IU_BSU) October 27, 2014

Blackface is always offensive. It is never OK. So just cross it right off your list of costume possibilities.

Seriously. Cross it off now and never consider it ever again.

3.) While we’re talking about blackface, just stay away from cultural appropriation in general, mmkay?

Not sure what cultural appropriation means? Here’s a nifty guide that’ll make it crystal clear for you. But basically, here’s the gist:

If you’re a white person who’s planning to dress up as a sexy geisha, a sexy Arab belly dancer, or anything else that is racially based, you need to rethink your costume choice.

Racism is deeply ingrained in American culture, and you don’t need to be a racist douchecanoe to perpetuate racial stereotypes with your costume choice. Garb that doesn’t read as “white” is understood to be funny, farcical, or exotic—all things that make for perfect costumes—and when you wear a race-based costume, you’re perpetuating stereotypes that label an entire culture as exoticized and other.

Still not convinced? Think of it this way—if a black person dressed up in some American Apparel and Ugg boots, would that pass as a “white girl” costume? My guess is no. Those would just be clothes, and that’s because whiteness is (wrongly) assumed to be the normal, default setting.

AKA, not a costume.

The fact that other cultures can be costumized when whiteness can’t be is, in itself, a perfect illustration of how deeply ingrained racism is in our society.

So just don’t dress up as any other race or culture to which you don’t belong, mmkay? Let’s all do our part to be actively anti-racist.

 4.) Don’t be a slut-shamer.

While you’re out partying this Halloween, you’ll notice that some women will be dressed in provocative costumes. Not all of them, mind you—but some of these women are going to look really fucking sexy.

They have every right to look that way, and have (hopefully) chosen to do so not for your benefit, but because it’s fun and makes them feel good.

I will be the first to admit that I’ll be dressing as a sexy witch this Halloween, and I’m going to have a damn good time doing it. But that doesn’t mean that anyone is entitled to my body, or to shame me for choosing to put it on display.

So, while respectful flirting is encouraged—as long as consent has been given—do not slut-shame, harass, or assault any women this Halloween. Or ever, while we’re at it. But sexy costumes are not an invitation.

5.) Last but not least, don’t be an asshole.

We all tend to be a bit less inhibited when in costume. You can be the craziest of crazy people behind the safety of your dinosaur mask, because no one will recognize or judge you.

But, the thing is, our actions still have consequences. So, please use your costumed bravery responsibly. The people you just screamed at in the middle of the street—because WGAF on Halloween, right guys!?—might be genuinely upset. The person you just creepily hit on might be super freaked out.

So don’t be a jerk, OK folks? We’re all real people beneath our costumes. Let’s treat each other accordingly.

So, who’s ready for Halloween? I am! Get out there and have some safe, respectful, non-racist fun.

And by that I mean, party your asses off.

Hannah R. Winsten

Hannah R. Winsten is a freelance copywriter, marketing consultant, and blogger living in New York’s sixth borough. She hates tweeting but does it anyway. She aspires to be the next Rachel Maddow. Contact Hannah at staff@LawStreetMedia.com.

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