Tomorrow is Halloween. It is the time of year when black cats and haunted houses start popping up all over the place, terrifying young children and adults alike. Do not let these fake terrors alarm you: Halloween is not any scarier than any other day of the year. This isn’t because ghosts, demons, and zombies do not exist, though, but rather because they are real – and they can pop up any day of the year. That’s right – you should never stop fearing!
So you don’t believe me, skeptic? Then let me tell you stories about eight “mythical” creatures and how they ended up in courtrooms around the world.
Fright Right: Vampire
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Courtney Royal, aka Vampish (sic) Black Sheep League of Doom Gardamun Family Circle Master Vampire High Priest (as he is known on court documents), is not pleased with a Texas jail that is refusing to accommodate his religion: Vampirism. Vampire High Priest is serving a lifetime sentence (which, since vampires are part of the undead, means he should technically already be free but let’s just ignore that for now) so it is extra important he is granted the right to be a vampire. After all, he needs blood to survive.
Since vampires are not a recognized religion in Texas prisons, Vampire High Priest had to file a suit for religious accommodation and $150,000 for pain and suffering. He might have to take a bite of a couple of fellow inmates for that blood supply, though, because his case was dismissed as frivolous (disclaimer: I am in no way suggesting he should bite his fellow inmates. Cannibalism is never the answer).
P.S., this was my favorite vampire case, but it was nowhere near the only vampire case. This is apparently a pretty thriving practice.
Para-aroma Activity: Demons
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A house full of prank-loving demons would be bad on its own. But then you add in the fact that they are apparently very flatulent demons and all of a sudden it’s like you are stuck forever with the world’s worst roommates. (By the way, “fart demons,” as they are called, are now my favorite type of demons – to write about – they do not seem like something I would enjoy seeing…or rather smelling.)
A Romanian man, Madalin Ciculescu, sued a church, four priests, and a bishop because they did not exorcise his house of the odorous, trickster demons – though they told him they did. Ciculescu asked the men of the cloth to come in to his house after his TV kept switching off and on, a possessed hair dryer had a black shadow come out whenever it was turned on, and truly horrendous foul smells were all around the house (without even a “My bad,” to make the offense less rude).
The church claimed in court that it had properly exorcised the house and anything he saw or heard (or smelled) after (that word feels important to me) the exorcism were products of his imagination – or maybe just an elaborate way to get out of saying excuse me. The court agreed.
Hoax Story: Ghost
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I could tell you about the guy who was fined in Portsmouth for standing in a graveyard and pretending to be a ghost by flapping his arms and saying “wooooh,” but that would be too easy. So instead, I am going to scare you with the “Tale of the Ghost Employees.”
Erwin Zambrano Moya is suing the Subway sandwich shop franchisee for whom he worked for employing ghost workers. Now, before you say Moya is a crazy person, let me state this up front: Moya is not the person who is crazy in this story. That honor belongs to his boss who circumvented paying overtime by paying a worker for up to 40 hours and then paying any other hours they worked to a “ghost” employee on the payroll who happened to have the same bank account or mailing address. Both Moya and “Ever Ventura” (among others) got paychecks for hours Moya worked. After a couple of years of this, Moya and Ventura (who was probably paying taxes but was never actually receiving a paycheck) got fed up and Moya took it upon himself, his ghosts, his coworkers, and his coworkers’ ghosts to start a class action lawsuit in civil court. I have an eerie feeling he just might win.
Attack of the Religious Tomatoes: Monster
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I’ve got to tell you. Prison is just no place for people with non-mainstream “religions.” If I didn’t convince you of this with the vampire case, maybe this one will do it. It is a cruel world when inmates cannot practice their constitutional-given right to be a Rastafarian from behind jail bars. Oh, wait. They can. My mistake; that was a typo. Let me try again: it is a cruel world when inmates cannot practice their constitutional-given right to be a Pastafarian from behind jail bars.
What, you ask, is Pastafarianism? Well, it is the self-proclaimed parody religion that claims the Spaghetti Monster created the world and that pirates were its early followers. The Oregon man who created the religion as a protest to teaching intelligent design in schools (demanding his faith in the monster be taught in school with the other religions) claims to have touched the lives of millions with his “noodly appendage.”
You can recognize a Pastafarian from the colander they wear on their head. Unless, of course, they are in the Nebraska State Penitentiary for attempted assault after chasing a couple with a hatchet. In that case, they might find out that the prison system discriminates against them for trying to live a humble life and follow the teaching of the Spaghetti Monster – saying they do not accommodate satirical religions. They might then have their colander taken away from them. Then they might sue for $5 million. Just ask Stephen Cavanaugh. Because everything I just said is true about him.
QuIT: Clowns (and not even the California machete wielding ones)
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When you enter a haunted house, you expect to be assaulted. In fact, you most likely paid for that very thrill. However, I am willing to bet that when you signed up for the affront, you did not mean to allow clowns with sex toys to be the ones that did it.
If you attended the Massacre Haunted House in Illinois this year, though, you might have been out of luck in the ‘not being harassed by perverted clowns’ department. This is the case with Regina Janito, her 17-year-old daughter, and three other minors. When they got into the parking lot of the haunted house, they were met by two male clowns holding sex toys; one of whom allegedly poked the 17-year-old with the toy and made lewd comments, while the other supposedly mimed sex acts with the toy. It may not surprise you to learn that Janito has decided to sue.
In my opinion, there is not much scarier than creepy clowns, but sexual-deviant, creepy clowns are one of the few things that make the cut. I feel for you, Janito.
Little Sicky: Satan
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Caius Veiovis, a Satanist and vampire (what did I tell you about these vampires) in Massachusetts with horn implants, green bones tattooed on his fingers, and 666 etched into his forehead, was recently sentenced to three consecutive life sentences for the kidnapping, murder, and dismemberment of three men. Upon hearing the verdict, he told the members of the jury that he would see them all in hell. So, have fun with that, his fellow inmates.
Plight of the Living Dead: Zombie
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Donald Miller Jr. found out something interesting about himself in court last year: he is not one of the living. Miller died in 1994, but years later he returned from the unknown. Which is more than three years after he died, and three years is the statute of limitation for resurrections; thus, he is not alive; however, he is also clearly not dead. So, the only other option is that he is one of the undead. In other words, he must be a zombie.
Confused? Let me give you some more information. In the 1980s, Miller, an alcoholic, disappeared. In 1994, he was declared dead by a court and his ex-wife began to collect his social security benefits for herself and their two children. Then, one day out of the blue, Miller showed up and asked the court for his social security number and license back. He basically said, “Sorry. Didn’t realize this would be a big deal, but I lost my job, owed a lot of money, and thought it would be best to disappear for a while. But I’m back, so everything is cool. Just declare me living again, please.”
This was not as easy as one might think, though. First, the ex-wife said she couldn’t repay the social security benefits she had been receiving, and then the court said it didn’t really matter if she could pay because a death ruling cannot be overturned after three years. Actual quote from the judge: “I don’t know where that leaves [Miller], but [he’s] still deceased as far as the law is concerned.”
Watch out Ohio, the walking dead is in your midst.
The Unfair Witch Project: Witches
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Helen Ukpadio, aka Lady Apostle, is threatening to sue for defamation. And really, I cannot blame her. You see, the British Humanist Association and the Witchcraft and Human Rights Information Network made complaints that she was claiming children who cry or get sick at night are Satan possessed. These claims were part of documents that led to her being barred from the UK. However, the problem is Apostle has never once claimed this. It is an absolutely ludicrous claim intended to make her look bad. She does not believe that Satan is possessing children. She believes black, red, and vampire (there is that word again…) witchcraft spirits are possessing children and making them cry. Way different!
Apostle is a former witch herself, so she ought to be able to recognize witches. However, she is probably not as much of a Satan expert, so she would not presume to recognize his possessions. If she sues, she claims it will be for half a million pounds (about $806,000).
So, you see? When you are walking around this Halloween and you see a frightening costume, you don’t have to be scared. It is the monster lurking underneath the costume that might come after you. Good luck! Bwahahahaha…
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